My Daily Reminder To Stay Positive

June 13, 2024

Mom raged at me Tuesday night. It came out of freaking nowhere. She brought up a discussion from a year ago about changing rooms (moving Mom's bedroom into what is now Hubs' office and moving his office to her room) that was only a suggestion and both Mom and Hubs said they didn't feel the need to do that right now. No biggie, it was dropped. So, from that snippet of conversation a year ago, she came into my room, shut the door and proceeded to tell me I was controlling and that I had no right to force her or Hubs into doing anything we didn't want. How she gave birth to me and how dare I even think about telling her what to do. There was more, but that was the gist of it. Although I'd overheard her badmouthing me to Hubs (she's not exactly quiet) in the past, I wrote it off because everything she said was not true and he knew it. However, this is the first time she's said stuff like that to my face and with so much venom. I was sitting with my jaw hanging. If it wasn't for the dementia, we'd have gone rounds in the ring like Mike Tyson. But, I took a deep breath and asked her to explain why she was upset about a conversation that took place a year ago. She, of course, couldn't answer and she became confused. Once I calmly reminded her of the conversation and said I'd dropped the matter back then. she immediately calmed down. I didn't get an apology per se, as that's not her nature (it's okay, I know when she is sorry and she knows when I am), but she did explain she was feeling sorry for herself because she feels physically trapped due to her inability to get around like she used to, drive a car, etc.

It reminds me of Patricia Clarkson's amazing portrayal of Melinda Moores in The Green Mile. I know the character's ailment was a brain tumor, but it's the same behavior. Sweet and kind one moment and raging the next. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Everyone is stellar in it.

So for the next hour, that's all she talked about, over and over. I listened and assured her it was okay. I get it. I've been warned by others who have been through this to expect the unexpected as the dementia progresses. Still, it was like, for 10 long minutes, she was someone I didn't recognize, and then boom, she was back to herself and I was able to get her smiling and joking. We held each other for a good thirty seconds after I walked her back to her room for bed. I'm not mad. I think she might be suffering from Sundowners now, as she really only gets snippy just after sunset. I have noticed it in the past several weeks, off and on. I check on her at least every hour (depending on work, I work primarily from home), asking if she needs anything and sometimes I'll sit and chat. She always smiles lovingly at me. But lately, at night, she doesn't even make eye contact. She is just scowling. I will check in with her palliative care team about suggestions.

Sorry for the rant. I guess my point is that even in the midst of the bad, you have to see the good. What is the good? Mom is still here and present in our lives. I take that as a win. We aren't some superfamily, we're human, but I know we'll get through it because of the love we have for one another. Hubs, myself and our boys will pull it together for Mom and for ourselves. There will be bad days coming, but there will be good days too.

Anyway, it is too sunny outside to be gloomy. I'm going to try to get Mom to sit outside in the sun after lunch. Maybe it will help brighten her mood.

Good vibes, Lex